oral fixation

Six Things that don't Belong in my Mouth:

A short essay by Keir Moreano.

(Editor's note: I haven't finished editing this for correct spelling/grammar yet.)

1. Frisbees:
   
   While the allure of yelling to your friends to toss this object in the air and then attempting to catch in your mouth may be great, it should be avoided at all costs. While pulling off such a stunt will always get a laugh from your friends, having two of your teeth chipped is not a "fun" experience. You may be sitting there in the dentists office getting reconstructive teeth put on for hours wondering, "how the hell does my dog do this all day?" It is a question that has plagued many before you, so fear not. Be strong.
   
   In addition, Frisbee catching or the placement of a Frisbee in one's own mouth is high on the list of "ways not to attract women".
   
   
2. Pizza Boxes:
   
   An age old tradition of young men with braces, "pizza box teeth marks" ranks high on the list of things to do with cardboard. Placing your teeth on a thick multi-riveted pizza box is an excellent way to leave your teeth marking behind for others to gaze upon. This tradition was probably started in an orthodontist chair where very often objects of a foreign gooey nature were placed in our mouths and we were told to bite, swallow, and suck. Again, similar to most of the items on this list, "pizza box teeth marks" are a sure way to clear a room of non-drunk college women, especially if you exclaim, "fuck, my lower teeth are all getting crooked again."
   
   
3. Pens and/or pencils:
   
   This is a complex and delicate subject which span decades of a young persons life. This problem was is first developed in elementary school, the time in which correct etiquette for chewing on your pencil or pen was developed. How friends quickly would turn to enemies when upon the request of a marker from a fellow 1st grader was fielded, you handed him or her a chewed up marker with a top that was soaked in your own salvia.
   
   The embarrassment of having your teacher stoop down, her massive bosom looming over you and pick-up gingerly your woodpecker of a pencil and correct your "S" was sometimes unbearable. Teachers began carrying around red pens after the health department deemed touching children's pencils as unsanitary.
   
   Hence "red" being the universal color or embarrassment and also anger, due to the sharp emotional scares left on the heart of American school children.
   
   As a result of chewing many children perhaps even you and I were exiled from there communities to silently chew on our soft pieces of wood like a dog teething until just at the right time, with a satisfying snap you broke that pencil right in half with your powerful adolescent jaw muscle.
   
   Young people will tell you how easily it is too judge a classmate when he/or she has bits of yellow paint stuck in between their teeth from a Berol Ensign no.2.
   
   This trend of exiling "chewers" from the promised land of hanging out on the tires with the cool kids ended promptly with the miracle of the mechanical pencil.
   
   The mechanical pencil was the great equalizer. Suddenly chewers weren't so uncool anymore, now that the hard sheath of plastic had been placed over their writing utensil, there marks of passion were no longer visible. What's more, a new underground trade of piece of lead began, so that soon your pencil lead had real currency on the lunch box trade circuit. It was a joyous time for everyone, a great cheer broke out among rich white suburban kids who could afford such delicacies as the mechanical pencil.
   
   But the history of writing untensils in mouths was not over. It was only just beginning. During middle school as hormones began to open there eyes and do jumping jacks in the veins and arteries of school children so did the desire to place object in mouths. The most obvious and famous examples of this flirtation came with the girls.
   
   Whether gnawing delicately on the end of an eraser or fully inserting a pen or pencil into her mouth it was guaranteed to arouse a boy weather his placement in relation to her was directly opposite or in some cases in a courtyard 50 yards away staring at the object of his desire.
   
   As teenage girls discovered this new weapon it was used with deadly and sometimes dangerous results, sending whole packs of six grade boys running to windows across America to get a view of girl chewing. Often times the results could be disastrous leading to trampling of other viewers and elaborate excuses that led to detention.
   
   Still other girls got the hint and stayed away from putting anything near their mouths for fear of the dreaded "blowjob" word being ever associated with there name. Long carrots being packed in lunches from home became a matter of life or death in the girl world.
   
   Others, both boys and girls took to chewing enormous amounts of gum to avoid the sensation of placing paper clips, pushpins, staples, paper airplanes, erasers and the dreaded pen into their mouths.
   
   It was a complicated web of confusion and lies but as High School loomed, an even greater challenge of being cool was faced, that unfortunately had very little to do with weather or not you chewed on your pen or pencil.
   
   For a time having writing utensils at all was very uncool. Asking to borrow or receiving one from a teachers desk was the only acceptable way. Going along with the gift of a utensil also meant never placing it in your mouth.
   
   But as time went on this oral fixation with pen's or pencil invariably died out for other substitutions. Mainly each other.
   
   Still however in the adult world it is considered "poor form" in a college class to take the cap of a pen and try to wrap your mouth around the top and bottom of the cap in an attempt to see how large you can get your mouth to be.
   
   Trust me, it only leads to pain and misery when this item becomes lodged in your teeth and you must flee class holding your hand over your mouth to dislodge it. This sort of event could lead to extended therapy sessions involving your childhood and oral fixations.
   
   
4. Wedding Rings:
   
   Fathers, such as mine, at one point in life choose to, as a joke, bite down on their wedding rings and claim that it was "soft" because as we all know from watching gold rush movies, gold is a soft sort of malleable metal. While this is true, it is also true that most wedding bands are an alloy of types allowing the ring more structural support.
   
   As to why this object doesn't belong is one's mouth the reason seems simple. That is of course when swallowed at age five, it takes a trip to the emergency room and a good old fashioned stomach pumping to dislodge the diamond encrusted ring with the potential of tearing your five-year-old intestines apart. In addition to this it is possible that when you swallow your fathers wedding ring that the story with haunt you for eternity, including every public gathering whether it be a birthday party or Grandpa's funeral. In fact it is more or less guaranteed that when you swallow an object such as your fathers $7,000 wedding band that it will be mentioned at every available opportunity, even in the eulogy of your dead grandfather in which your entire clan of mourning family will take that moment to chuckle and remember the familiar "baby" story and how grandpa drove the swallower to the hospital for a good old-fashioned stomach pumping.
   
   
5. The Vagina:
   
   While I have taken this time in the narrative avoiding the obvious sexual connotations in which "thing that don't belong in my mouth" can conjure, I will no longer stray away from the ever popular oral sex topic. While one can enjoy giving and receiving oral sex it can also lead to dreadful accidents involving perhaps but not limited too sever trauma to the neck and back area's and a dislocated jaw.
   
   While the Vagina is a part of a larger whole it is safe to assert that part of this organ can reside in the mouth. While giving oral sex to a women, it is highly advisable that you keep her hands away from your head as tufts of hair have been know to "come loose" during the act. In addition when giving oral sex it is a good idea to stop when your jaw becomes sore or weak, because upon further action of your duties you may find yourself in a painful condition called "lock jaw." This not so fun condition can only be rivaled by "dislocated jaw" when you allow a girlfriend (such as one you has been receiving your gifts) attempt to knock the jaw back into place, claiming she learned it from her father the oral surgeon.
   
   Food that can be consumed through a straw during your oral sex "accident" for weeks while your jaw is pinned include:
   
   
   1. Meat tacos
   2. Strawberry smoothies
   3. Ice Cream
   
   While I am tempted to say the obvious reasons as to why a vagina does not belong in my mouth, I believe this "dislocated jaw" phenomena is far more frequent than young men (not necessarily including or excluding myself) may have experienced at one time or another.
   
   
6. Electrical Wires:
   
   Ranking at the top of "thing that don't belong in my mouth" we have electrical cable. My motto is "when in doubt, don't be puttin' no cable in your mouth." A motto which I will be surely passing down to my children.
   
   As to how such an event could actually occur in this section of the time space continuum, the answer is shocking. Actually this happens to 1 out every 900 million adult males between the ages of 16 and 26. That translates to over 5 event per year, so if this has happened to you don't fear, you are not alone.
   
   While most of these "electrical wiring in mouth incidents" or ELWMI for short occur in the field of electricians and Chinese torture rooms, ELWMI is growing in higher rates in the college campus area.
   
   In a recorded case involving a bottle of Jack Daniels, three college students and an open electrical socket, a severe burn was acquired by one of the students.
   
   While I don't recommend electrical wiring being placed in your mouth weather it be on a dare or just for kicks, I can tell you that sources say it's quite a rush.
   
   As you may discover, not giving oral sex or wanting to kiss because "I burned my tongue in an electrical socket with Brad and Ben last Wednesday" is not an excuse. In fact it is recommended that you weave a yarn involving your heroic attempt to save a man cornered by the Columbian mafia only to be caught and given mild torture for aiding the escaped man.
   
   When in doubt find an object in the room and place it in your mouth and mumble an excuse, she is sure to either think it's cute or dump you on the spot for having an oral fixation.
   
   Getting dumped because you have an oral fixation is not recommended.