fakepope: wang water ninjas

It's here! Wang Water Ninjas, the movie!

Once a secret sect of the Yakuza mafia, this ultra secret group dating back at least 500 years has now made their craft commercial.

First brought over to America after the Second World War, these secret assassins would trade their skills for green cards and convenient stores during the great Japanese immigration of 1952. (Random Ninja Picture) They were most popularized during the late 70's and Early 80's when a Wang Water Ninja was caught in his only failed attempt while attempting to taint the water of then president Ronald Reagan. This scandal not only vilified the stealthy saboteurs, but also made their trade a corporate commodity.

CEOs began sending fleets of these wang water ninjas into the office buildings of competitors, VPs used to hire them to hit the copy boy just for fun, mail-men used to hire them to hit dogs that made them angry, it was a sad time for water, but a great time for the Wang Water Ninjas. Though their art remains mostly secret, some information has leaked out into the private sector.

John, who used to be a prominent architect, said this of the ninjas: "I should have known something was awry, I fired half of my crew but instead of getting mad they just sort of smiled at me. Later on that day, after I finished a fairly large bottle of Evian brand spring water imported from France, I found a pubic hair on the rim of the bottle, I am almost certain that someone had dipped their wang in my water. It wasn't until after much research that I realized I had been hit," said John. "What do you do? You can't call the cops, you can't do anything, you are helpless." John lost his career, his family, his house, he even lost his pants.

Bill Gates has come under much fire lately for his alleged involvement with a Washington State chapter of the wang water ninjas. When asked about his involvement he quipped, "Hey, it's a capitalist system, if you've got an edge you have to use it. When it's sink or swim you better be damn sure no one has dipped their wang in your water!"

Master ninja Hanso Tatsahujkok, a former Yakuza boss and wang water trainer, had this to say of the secret group. "It is impossible to even keep an investigation going. You will never catch them, it is futile. They strike quick and only leave traces because they know they are invulnerable. Sometimes people don't even know they've been hit until much later or often times not at all. HI-YAH!"

Seattle Police Chief Dick Hardon talked briefly about his experience with the group. "Well, occasionally we hear reports about foot prints on the ceilings or hearing zippers before entering a room, but most of this is unsubstantiated mumbo-jumbo. If you ask me, any fag ninja that would waste his time dipping his wang into some unsuspecting guy's water is wasting his fucking time; do you know how much raw sewage is already in there?"

It is a fact that Wang Water Ninja training camps do exist and their art is growing and becoming more and more affordable to the lower classes.

"My boss just better watch his fucking mouth next time, or it's a lot more than water he's going to be drinking. I work at this shitty job because no one else is hiring, and he taks advantage of it by referring to me as his 'cumdumpster'," said Wesley, a taco bell employee in Seattle's illustrious Rainer Valley area.

Don't think that you're safe with your bottled waters either. Wang Water Ninjas have been seen drilling down into artesian aquifers to soil the water at its source. No water is safe. It is even rumored that the Yakuza clan owns 90 percent of the Brita water filter company. If you have any knowledge leading to the arrest and incarceration of any wang water ninja, please dial the Wang water Ninja help line at (888) DICK-JUICE.

Craving more information on ninjas? Try Real Ultimate Power or the House of Ninja, the worlds foremost experts.